Hip in Portland-No Thank You!

I have walked through the valley of Hipster and I have seen their wrath!

The city of Portland has taken “hipster” to a whole other dimension, and that’s putting it nice.

I recently took a trip to Portland, OR. to see a true living legend, Eric Clapton – who helped to create ‘hip’ through his various widespread tribute recordings of early blues musicians like Robert Johnson and also his own knack for the guitar, but I wasn’t prepared for the series of strange events that followed.

I arrived at my hotel The Jupiter, just before the rain began its evening pour. All seemed well until I got to my hotel room. I was told that this was one of the ‘hippest’ hotels in Portland, and the brightly packaged condom and earplugs on my nightstand, should have told me everything I needed to know.  Under normal circumstances, this would not have bothered me, but on this trip I happened to be traveling with my Father, awkward is right.

“I thought it was a three star hotel, sorry dad.”

In fact, the Jupiter was just an old Travel Lodge that had been DIY’ed to resemble a modern art boutique. 

“Look, if I wanted to stay up all night getting trashed and listening to indie pop, I would have stayed in Boise.”

I was under the impression I had booked a classy night stay, unless pink condoms are your idea of classy - I apologize.

Also on my nightstand was a guide to Portland, “this should be fun!”

Oh wait, it was actually just a list of things that you have to do to be considered ‘hip’ in Portland, for serious. Apparently it is no longer hip to use an umbrella during Portland’s monsoon season, throw it away!. Also, not hip, being nice to strangers or in my case, out-of-towners. Also on the list was:"Join a food co-op, get thrown off the max, get a haircut drunk, grow a half-beard, hate California and quit a yoga class.”

Only to name a few, there are 100 of them…. “Oh, now I get why everyone is so rude, they are angry, hung-over, pretentious and soaked?”

So basically this is what “hip” looks like in Portland:

Ironically clothed assholes that also look like they could be homeless, but play in a local band and won’t say thank you if you do them a favor.

I noticed that the dress code for the hipsters seemed to be easily recognizable. Guys: Messy hair, business jacket, retro pants and shoes with no laces. (Some of the guy’s just straight up looked like Charles Manson). Gals: Some sort of artistic sexy-fit shirt that barely covers the hinny, spandex, faux leather boots, usually no make-up, and messy hair.

All the hipsters would stand in the rain, smoking their cigs, with no umbrella!

Remember, umbrellas are so not hip.

 

The ‘hippest’ things about the Jupiter were the chalkboard doors! In fact, if the maid likes your artwork, it could appear on the Jupiter’s blog! Think of the potential!

I realize I may sound a wee-bit cynical, maybe it’s because I haven’t had the chance yet to “join an ironic/drunk sport,” my bad.

Get over yourself Portland, you’ll never be New York, and it’s ok because you will always have the other side of the river.

Source: Finder: Willamette Week’s Guide To Portland. 2010-2011.”100 things you must do to be a Portlander.” Portland, OR.